Self-Compassion: An Essential Tool for Professional Growth

This one is for you if you are keen to understand the benefits of self-compassion as a tool for personal growth and psychological health. I also include a rich array of self-compassion resources.

Self-compassion is a healthy way to relate to yourself. It can be one tool in a psychologically healthy toolkit to use when under pressure, striving for perfection or feeling down on yourself.

What Is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion reflects concern and compassion toward others, but it also reflects being able to express this same concern and compassion toward oneself

Joseph Goldstein, 2003

The latter part of this definition often emerges during coaching sessions with my clients. Professionals and leaders who comfortably exercise concern and compassion towards others, sometimes struggle to show the same concern and compassion towards themselves.

Self-compassion is an important resource that can support you as you strive to achieve valued goals, change behaviours or grow into who you are becoming.

This important capacity empowers you as a leader and as a human. Despite any inaccurate perceptions about it, there is nothing soft about self-compassion. It does not excuse mistakes or overlook behaviours that may be harmful to you or others (Hall et. al, 2013), nor does it mean you will not struggle from time to time. What it does mean is that you can benefit from cultivating the capacity to be a good friend to yourself; to care for and nurture yourself.

Self-Compassion – So What?

Self-compassion … involves being touched by and open to one’s own suffering, not avoiding or disconnecting from it, generating the desire to alleviate one’s suffering and to heal oneself with kindness.

Kristen Neff, 2003

Self-compassion requires that we are wise about recognising that, as humans, we are imperfect. Human behaviour is complex. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, we say the wrong thing just as often as the right thing and, at times, we mess up. To help ourselves, we need to see our flaws and failures, our struggles and triumphs, and put our own experiences into perspective. This connects us to a broader universe and assists us in understanding our place within it.

Best Fit Self-Compassion For You

Chris Germer, a clinical psychologist and lecturer at Harvard Medical School’s Department of Psychiatry, suggests that

everyone needs to customize self-compassion practice for their own individual needs and life circumstances.

If, for instance, you find mental approaches to self-compassion ineffective, activating or uncomfortable, you may find behavioural self-compassion more suited to you. Rather than meditating or speaking kindly to yourself, this might involve:

Physical care, through exercise, a warm bath or patting your pet,

Emotional care, such as watching a funny film, cooking or journalling;

or

Relational care, by connecting with others or spending time with a friend.  

The Benefits of Self-Compassion

Thousands of studies have researched the relationship between self-compassion and wellbeing.

Self-compassionate people tend to be more:

➡️ Satisfied with their lives and grateful for what they have

➡️ Emotionally intelligent (and able to effectively regulate negative emotions)

➡️ Resilient when faced with life challenges

➡️ Motivated, conscientious, and responsible for themselves

➡️ Forgiving, empathetic, and able to take other perspectives

➡️ Likely to exercise, eat well, and make regular doctor visits

➡️ Physically healthy, with better sleeping habits, fewer colds, and stronger immune systems.

AND:

➡️ Have closer, more functional relationships with others (Neff, 2021).

Physiologically, self-compassion counteracts the threat response associated with the sympathetic nervous system, which releases cortisol and adrenaline and is triggered when we feel threatened. Instead, it activates the parasympathetic nervous system, slowing our heart and breathing, decreasing blood pressure, and promoting digestion and relaxation.  This unplugs us from reactivity and helps us care for ourselves.

Now What?

If self-compassion sounds like something you could use or do more of, there are two final points to remember.

1.    It takes time.

Chris Germer reminds us that:

We can’t become more self-compassionate overnight. It’s a practice that takes time. The more we practice, the more self-compassionate we become.

Further, practising self-compassion with the right intentions can make all the difference.

2.   The right intentions matter.

This means that rather than reach for self-compassion for its own sake, we should practice it because we are suffering and need to offer ourselves “some sympathy and kindness.” As Germer says,

When we suffer, we give ourselves compassion not to feel better, but because we feel bad.

Self-Compassion Options and Exercises

After that brief overview of self-compassion, let’s get practical.

Short Clip

What is Self Compassion?

Written Exercises

Treating Yourself as a Friend – a short written exercise by Kristen Neff

https://self-compassion.org/exercise-1-treat-friend/

Writing a Self-Compassionate Letter to yourself

https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/self_compassionate_letter - from Greater Good In Action

Meditations

The RAIN of Self-Compassion by Tara Brach (psychologist, author and meditation teacher)

10 minutes

https://www.tarabrach.com/meditation-the-rain-of-self-compassion/?cn-reloaded=1

Tender Self-Compassion break by Dr Kristen Neff (academic, author and global expert on self-compassion)

5 minutes

https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/Tender-SelfCompassion-Break-2.mp3

Other Suggestions

Self-Compassion Worksheet

https://chrisgermer.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Self-Compassion-in-Daily-Life.pdf

Give Yourself a Break: The Power of Self-Compassion by Serena Chen in Harvard Business Review

https://hbr.org/2018/09/give-yourself-a-break-the-power-of-self-compassion